The Most Boring Superhero - Tim Cole Studio
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The Most Boring Superhero

X-ray vision, super-human strength, and the ability to fly. Any of these abilities would be fantastic to have. But what if fate was cruel and gave me the most useless power in all of superdom history? Let’s take a quick look at some of the less impressive ingenuities and amazingly mundane marvels that our alternate universe has to offer!

Here’s a list of my top 20 best of the worst abilities:

1) Change your eye color at will.
2) Never sick on a workday.
3) Summon a pack of rabid squirrels.
4) Find something interesting on TV at any time.
5) Shrink or grow one inch for two minutes.
6) Put on wrinkled clothes on and make them pressed.
7) Always have proper change.
8) Remember the lyrics to every Yoko Ono song.
9) Rewind VCR tapes with your mind.
10) All people within eight feet of you smell like fish.
11) Transform into an exact replica of yourself.
12) Touch any car and know its fluid levels.
13) Be able to sort socks in complete darkness.
14) Know the exact contents of any box by simply shaking it.
15) Always come in first in any potato sack race.
16) Immediately know the thread count of any linen.
17) Bend the will of Sea Monkey’s to do your bidding.
18) Read the minds of anyone under the age of three months.
19) Sweat gravy.
20) Involuntary flight.

I believe the most tragic of all the abilities would be sweating gravy. Besides the obvious reasons, such as the incredibly large dry-cleaning bills and my dog licking my forehead while I was trying to sleep, would be the underlining conundrum: what if it was really delicious gravy? What if I opened up a restaurant and it flourished because of my award-winning gravy? How would I keep the origin of my piquant perspiration private? I guess you’ll have to wait till next week’s episode!


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